some holiday humour:

hehe...

Why Did that Chicken Cross the Road?
 KINDERGARTEN TEACHER : To get to the other side.
 PLATO: For the greater good.
 ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
 KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
 TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
 SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
 JACK NICHOLSON: 'cause it f___ing wanted to. That's the f___ing reason.
 RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
 CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK : To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
 HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
 ANDERSEN CONSULTANT: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
 LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
 MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR .: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives being called into question.
 MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
 FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
 RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
 MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
 JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
 FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
 BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 200 7, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
 BILL CLINTON: I'm going to say something important. And I'll say it again to make sure you understand. I did not have sexual relations with that chicken. I did not.
 GEORGE W. BUSH (2): We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
 OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
 DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
 EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
 BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
 RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.
 ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
 NEW SOUTH AFRICAN POLITICIAN : It is the Apartheid regime which made the chicken cross the road when the chicken did not want to cross the road, the chicken is oppressed and the only way to free the chicken is for the whites to pay restitution for oppressing the chicken and investigate police involvement in the death of chickens. It is racist to imply that chickens are involved in any crimes and corruption.
 OLD SOUTH AFRICAN POLITICIAN : It is our belief that chickens should be allowed to cross roads in their own areas with their own roads. If they wish to cross roads in other areas they must carry a pass and will be subject to arrest if they dont. We would like to state categorically that meddling in our affairs by any persons will not be tolerated and we will arrest and detain anybody for a period of 90 days without trail so that these allegations can be investigated.
 COSATU: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking, South African.
 RAY MACAULEY: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it, "the other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
 DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
 DR NELSON MANDELA: Never again, will the chicken be questioned for crossing the road. This is an ideal for which I am prepared to die.
 GRANDPA SIMPSON: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
 BISHOP TUTU: We need a society where people will learn to forgive all the chickens that crossed the road. However, forgiveness will be granted to chickens that convince the nation that their reasons for crossing the road were politically motivated .
 TONY LEON: People should stop blaming everything on the legacy of the chicken that crossed the road'. The chicken never willingly crossed the road - the circumstances at that time forced the chicken to cross the road.
 THABO MBEKI: We need to establish if really there is a connection between the chicken and the road.
 PAN AFRICAN CONGRESS : The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
 BULELANI NCGUKA: You see the chicken is like the " apartheid spy", it never crossed the road and we can set up a commission of inquiry to clear its name!!
 MOE SHAIK: To prove the "null hypothesis" that is to establish if the egg or the chicken came first. Just wanted to help the Egg vs Chicken commision of inquiry.
 JOHNNY ROTTEN: Because it was stapled to the punk rocker.
 HANSIE CRONJE: Satan made him do it.
 ROBERT MUGABE: For all of these years the road has been owned by the white farmers, the poor underpriveleged chicken has waited too long for that road to be given to him and now he is crossing it in force with his fellow war veteran chickens. We intend taking over this road and giving it to the roadless chickens so that they can cross it without fear of retribution from Britain who promised money to institute road reform. We will not stop until all roadless chickens have roads to cross and the freedom to cross them. We will also return to the Socialist ideal of a road so that all chickens who live in our country can benefit from the grand ideals which I have decided upon.
 ISAAC NEWTON: Any chicken in the universe shall always cross a road perpendicularly to the side of the road, and in an infinitely long straight line at uniform speed, unless the chicken stops due to an unbalanced reactive force in the opposite direction of the chicken's motion
 HEISENBERG: No one will ever know for sure whether he actually got to the other side
 SNOOPY: It was a dark, stormy night. Somewhere in the rain, a chicken crossed a road
 JULIE ANDREWS: Chick, a cheer, a female cheer ...
 EUGENE TERREBLANCHE: Die hoender is die Afrikanervolk se erfenis. So ook die straat. En niemand moet dit waag om ons daarvan te beroof nie
 PW BOTHA: It wasn't the road, it was the Rubicon
 NATANIEL: Ek was vreeslik op my nerves vir sy part tot hy anderkant gekom het. Ek dink dit was stunning!
 NAAS BOTHA: Aan die einde van die dag maak dit nie saak hoeveel keer hy oor die straat is nie. Wat saak maak, is die telbord
 ALLAN BOESAK: How can the motives of a chicken who had done so much for chickenhood be questioned? It's a conspiracy
 DULLAH OMAR: I am sure the chicken is innocent. He did what he did because of the apartheid legacy
 NCONDE BALFOUR: The government will ensure that a fair quota of black chickens cross the road as well. Why should black chickens remain on this side of the road?
 COLYN POWELL: Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
 HANZ BLIX: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.
 MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq Ambassador): The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.
 MARTHA STEWART: No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
 COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?



There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face!"

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An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.

Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?

Man: What sins?

Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?

Man: I'm Jewish

Priest: Why are you telling me all this?

Man: I'm telling everybody!

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BROTHEL TRIP

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says.


"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

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BEAUTIFUL

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful."


Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"


The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now cute."

She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off!"